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Ariel IC Contact
My apologies for being unable to respond to you at this moment. You may leave a message.
My apologies for being unable to respond to you at this moment. You may leave a message.
My apologies for being unable to respond to you at this moment. You may leave a message.
[ voice | backadated to after Neji's arrival ]
Oi. Gaara? You awake? Mn. Kinda hope you're asleep. In any case, I've gotta ask you something. Hit me back later, alright?
[voice]
Naruto? [Why are YOU awake.] What is it?
[voice]
[ There's a beat, this hesitation is protracted, weighed heavily by Neji's arrival and all Naruto's tried not to think about. But how long can a person run away from what they don't want to hear? Or know. ]
Before I came here, Madara showed up in the battle. He said things. Well, it was one thing, when I asked him about you. The Kages. [ And the Kages were supposed to take care of him. But they hadn't. And if they had not then-- ]
You're-- You were okay, right? Before you got here. You were. [ Another pause. ] ...were you okay?
[voice]
He doesn't bother to complain about it, he's not at that point yet. And if that silence from Naruto of all people is something to go by, the real subject is rather weighted.
And then there it is. Of course Naruto knew the answer to that question, didn't he? Would there be any doubt that they would have let Madara slip through their fingers if they were alright? But he knows why Naruto needs to ask. And he wishes he could tell him something other than the truth. But Gaara's never been anything but truthful.] No. [But this time the calm is back in his voice. There's certainly no anger over that particular fact.
Sorry Naruto, it seems he only has bad news to deliver tonight,]
[voice]
It occurs to him then, briefly, belatedly, that he might have more dead comrades here from home than living ones. But that's Ariel. Ariel's selection process and. And. Gaara is okay. He cannot be dead. It's not allowed. He is not allowed to die. Not Gaara. Especially not Gaara.
Naruto's denial circles around and around, stuck on repeat. How bad was it, he almost asks. How bad. Were you dying. Can you tell.
Except he can't ask those things. Not yet. So instead there's this, when his own voice is calm and steady: ] I see.
Want some company?
[voice]
So he's not all that surprised by the calmness in Naruto's voice. He's used to this weight isn't he?]
Yes.
[voice --> action? ]
Gimme ten minutes and I'll be right over.
[ He has one more question to ask, but it's a minor topic at least and hopefully nothing stressful. It can wait until he sees Gaara in person. ]
[voice to action \o/]
[And his mind goes silent, as silent as it ever is anymore. The door is briefly unlocked, no fear that anything else will walk through the door this late. And a torn and weathered stuffed bear is taken from the top of the bed and tucked underneath.
And then he simply sits in his chair, pulled up next to an open window. Time, he's got too much of it, and he doesn't mind spending the next ten minutes waiting.]
[action]
Yo. [ Peeking his head in and looking -- for the most part -- as though everything is fine. Perhaps he might seem a little low on energy, but that could be blamed on the topic he's just left behind. ] So what's this 'you haven't been sleeping' stuff, huh?
[ Stepping inside. Closing, then locking the door behind him. ]
[action] pfft, didn't even notice <3
He turns his head toward his friend, edges of his lips quirking up in an effort at a smile. Its still not good, still not close to Naruto's. And in this particular position its probably easy to spot the healing cut running from the left side of his eye down his cheek.]
I've never slept, Naruto. Not in the traditional sense. Its not something to concern yourself with. [Not yet. Not ever if he can continue to fight against the fatigue and the cracks of sanity that come with it.]
Are you alright? [He knows, they both know, his sleeping habits aren't what prompted the late night call, nor this meeting. But he won't press any more than that. And its a genuine question. How much can be stacked on one man's back before it bends and then breaks?]
[action] sob good i am glad!
Things will be okay. They will keep moving forward, this is how it goes. Naruto shoves it to the back of his head and leaves it at that. His own mouth quirks then, a bit bolder than Gaara, a bit broader, and his eyes linger on that cut. ] Everyone needs sleep. That's normal. You don't have your chakra yet. You gotta get rest so you can recharge. [ He fixes the Kazekage with an intent look as he says it.
Meet Mother Hen Mode, Gaara. ] How long haven't you been sleeping? And what happened to your cheek? Not that you can't handle it but did you go and pick a fight?
[action]
Words don't help with the pangs of death, justification won't help. He won't bother, he won't patronize Naruto's feelings.
Neji wouldn't speak to him of the hows, and he still can't help but wonder-was it their fault? Because they failed with Madara? Because such an incredibly strong force got past their defenses and to their men?] I'm sorry.
[Its the second time he's ever apologized. Such things are not minor to him. But he knows, its a death Naruto will take personally. He can still remember how thin he stretched himself on the battlefield, trying to be everywhere, trying to take care of everyone.] But don't take his choice away from him.
[Its all he'll say on the matter, and he hopes Naruto knows it expands to whatever fates he and the other Kages have fallen to. If he's dead, he won't regret his sacrifice.]
[And that's certainly the first time he's seen that look. And he's not quite sure what to do with it. People don't worry about him. They didn't when they hated him, and they don't now that he's trusted as a kage.] I haven't. I meditate, its worked for me for my entire life. [It doesn't here. But that's not the point.]
[There's only the briefest pause as he considers the cut on his cheek, the cuts on his chest, the stab wound on his arm.] It was intentional.
[action]
He doesn't know what the hell to do with the second. For a moment, his expression tightens into something harsher, darker, maybe resentful or angry, even he doesn't know. Maybe it's just left over grief. Neji made his choice. He did. Naruto knows that and he can't begrudge Neji the freedom to choose. But he stepped in because Naruto was too fucking slow, because he said, 'hey, I won't let anyone die' and Obito took it as a challenge. Dying for peace, yes, dying on a wing and a prayer (but still dead after the fact). Neji sacrificed himself on blind faith that Naruto would succeed.
Which is precisely why Naruto will succeed.
But he still doesn't have a reply for Gaara. Not before rolling his shoulders and looking away until the anger melts into something more calm again, at least. ] It's--
Not-- You don't need to say that. [ It's not Gaara's fault. Not Neji's fault. ] Anyway. I've moved to a bigger place, so I asked him to move in with me. I want you to come too.
[ It's probably ...not any reply Gaara was expecting. He'd rather move on. He needs to stay on point. For example: ] Mnhm. That's good but is it working here? [ Because Gaara hasn't specified that part and Naruto hasn't missed it, bracing his hands on his hips and narrowing his eyes at his friend.
As, after a long pause, he begins to just look confused. Intentional? The concept of Gaara doing it to himself never crosses his mind. It can't because he hasn't experienced what Gaara has. Naruto shakes his head. ] You mean you meant to get in a fight?
Re: [action]
But the words start and he's a little surprised. Maybe he didn't need to say it. Maybe Naruto knows. He can give him that much credit, will give him all the credit he asks for, because he believes in him.
But then those words, so out of the blue, so surprising that his eyes widen slightly. Live with Naruto? Live with Neji? Its a strange concept, an outstretched hand he never expected.] ...Why?
[The word slips in his surprise, but he doesn't bother covering it up. He's honestly curious. Naruto cares, obviously, but to live under the same roof...that's a familiarity reserved for family, isn't it?]
Not as well as I'd like it to. [Honest, honest enough that the exhaustion is evident in his voice. But he can't truly sleep, even without Shukaku, the fear is still there and its a habit he can't shake.
The following question is actually easier to answer, though he's still trying to grasp the why, what the encounter had done to him, awakened-no that's not right, reminded him of.] It was an arrangement. I allowed her to do it.
[action]
Because. He wants to make sure everyone is okay. The people he considers precious. Because he keeps waiting for certain people to disappear one day and he'd rather know sooner than later. Because-- Well, there's a list. ] If we're all in the same house, we can watch each other's backs, right? I'm gonna ask Sakura too, and my mom and-- [ Hardly a pause at all, but he's watching Gaara closer for it. ] --Sasuke.
[ He might have tried Itachi but he thinks the guy would want his space. Rocking on his heels for a second, Naruto ambles closer, his mouth quirking up, a little awkwardly. ] I've never lived in a house with people in it. I always wondered. [ What it would be like to be surrounded by bustle and noise and life. Family, perhaps. Of some kind. He'd have someone to say 'tadaima' to. ]
And maybe I wanna make sure you're okay. [ A bit more gentle. Not quite amused but rather concerned to hear that fatigue, most definitely. Naruto wonders how to fix this. Sleep is pretty damn necessary. He half-sits, half-leans on the windowsill, still watching Gaara. ] Maybe if you wear yourself out enough... [ Via workouts, sparring, something, anything. ]
You let someone cut you up. [ He says it carefully. To be sure. There's no judgment here. Oddly enough he can sort of understand, he recalls the strange thrill of Alucard's hand choking off his air. He knows shinobi might not necessarily be... normal, from what he's experienced. Still, it's his turn to ask. ] Why?
[action]
And Sasuke. There's never been any hate there. There was an understanding there too, but unlike Naruto it had been a bond of hatred. They both hated so much. But then Gaara had crawled out into the light and Sasuke had just sank deeper, deeper into the dark. He had stopped the Raikage from attacking Sasuke. Had held back in his own attack against him because he knew if anyone should finish Sasuke, it needed to be Naruto. But in that moment, those eyes had been entirely devoured and he had no hope for him. That he's here, now, that Naruto wants to ask him to live with him, that means something's happened. Maybe he was able to overcome it after all, maybe Naruto was able to help him. And he's glad. Glad that Naruto doesn't have to end it.
Slowly he turns his gaze to Naruto who's made himself a perch in his window.] What you and I have, Naruto, is not something shared by your friends. [He's not sure he could handle living in a home where every day he's presented with the cool formality they give the Kazekage, even if the idea of being around people is one he likes. He understands how painful silence can get.
He simply shakes his head. Not because Naruto's idea may not work, but because he doesn't want it to, its a fear more so than an inability, but one certainly bleeds into the other.]
I wanted to know how it felt. [And he twists his arm just so the sleeve rises enough to see the deep cut in his arm.] I wanted to see if that lust for blood was still a part of me. [Those words aren't the easiest thing to say, not to Naruto. Its easier to speak to strangers about, but its there in the open because Naruto asked.]
[action]
He really doesn't mean to say those words out loud though and he has to clear his throat, once he realizes what he's said. ] That's-- That came out wrong. Or. No. I didn't mean to say it like that. It's more that... Ah. I guess I want you close. [ Because he might be dead. Because once they leave, there's the war and after that, Gaara will go home and Naruto is tired of missed chances. So tired of them. He manages a lopsided grin. ] I know that's selfish. You do what you gotta do.
[ He's pretty sure that was a no from Gaara's end and so there's disappointment, he can't hide that, but there's a measure of understanding too. People need space sometimes. ] You'd still have this place though, if you needed it. [ He has to toss that out there before he leaves the topic, the next is more important in any case. ]
No? Training won't work? [ Persistent. He wants to try to get to the bottom of the sleeping issue and a headshake doesn't tell him much, sadly. Then he hisses lightly through his teeth. The cut isn't bad. Not terrible. They've all seen worse for sure but Naruto reaches over anyway to take Gaara's wrist, turning his arm a little more to get a closer look. After a beat, he glances up. The answer surprises him. Lust for blood. He remembers it. Though he thinks it's more that Gaara got screwed over and screwed up... ] How did it feel? Good or bad?
D'you... still have it? [ That bloodlust. Curious. Unafraid, able draw his hand up and brush his thumb ever so lightly over the cut. ]
[action]
He lets Naruto backtrack, until he says that word. He remembers it from the party. Close. It sends a rush through his body that settles low in his stomach.
But even then he knows what Naruto's saying, he hears the offer. And he wants to take it. Maybe Naruto's warmth can beat out the coolness from the rest of this house.]
Alright, Naruto. [The words are soft, uncertain, but if Naruto can be selfish, perhaps he can be too.
He isn't going to stop, Gaara realizes, so blunt it is.] I don't want to sleep. I just need the noise to stop.
[His eyes follow Naruto's hand to the cut. They's all seen worse, of course, but Gaara hasn't really experienced worse. His fight with Sasuke that bled into a fight with Naruto. It was the first time he bled, and it was the last. At leat the last time he could feel it. Deidara's explosion knocked him unconscious. There had been no zoned pain. And Madara...it was so deep, so damaging he couldn't feel it.]
Good and bad. For so long, I've wanted pain that could heal. [Another admission, but lack of sleep will do that, this particular new learned experience has done this.]
...Yes. [Its not as intense as it was, but it was there, prominent, arousing. The color, the heat, the scent, the feeling of his own skin splitting, the sight of someone else's skin marked because of him. A reminder for a brief amount of time. Another way to prove his existence in this strange place.
But Naruto's seen his bloodlust at its worse, and so cautious, nervous eyes move up the tanned arm, pausing on the strong neck, a scarred cheek, before he's meeting blue. Questioning.]
[action]
Thank you. [ This too, is quick, but it's equally as honest. He means it. He gets the impression that Gaara is only doing this for him, he doesn't sound too sure about the venture at all. Which means he's going to make sure the Kazekage doesn't feel out of place in the house. And if he does -- if it doesn't work, that's okay. They'll figure something else out.
What follows leaves him floundering again. ] I don't understand. You need sleep, Gaara. Why don't you wanna sleep? What noise? [ He's heard the stories, he has, but he doesn't connect the dots here. He can't make the jump that would take him back to Shukaku. Gaara is a confusing guy that way. But then, they all have their secrets. Naruto gets the impression that Gaara isn't prone to sharing his.
Even he can read the caution in his friend here. But Naruto doesn't care about someone feeling bloodlust as long as they don't act on it in a manner that would harm others. He knows what bloodlust feels like. Not like Gaara does, but he recognizes it in himself sometimes. It's the thrill of a good fight, the burst of pain behind your eyelids and yes, even the cuts that bleed and the bones that shatter under your fist.
There's no recrimination as Gaara explains. ] You couldn't feel it because of your sand. It protected you. [ Those are dots he can connect. Even when his friend was dead, there wasn't any blood. That always struck Naruto as strange. To fight with someone in Akatsuki and to not get cut.
Was it a double edged sword then? Naruto nods, and is silent for a beat. Yes. Yes, it's still there. ] Good. Next time, come to me. You got an itch you wanna scratch, I'll help you. You can help me too.
Re: [action]
He sighs, the sound soft, its not one of frustration, he doubts Naruto could ever manage to make him frustrated-he had been close when Naruto showed up on the battlefield after all their efforts to keep him away, keep him safe. But even that had been short lived.
He grabs a tanned wrist, lifts it, guides it to the dark ring under his eye. There’s a weight there from muscles worn out, and with that hand there he briefly closes his eyes. He’s only seen himself this way through his third eye, but he knows, the physical signs of insomnia have even taken over his eye lids.] Shukaku. The seal keeping him within me was so flimsy that simply falling asleep, that simple loss of consciousness would result in him taking over my body, eating away my personality. I’ve survived on meditation alone, always aware.
[He knows that can’t happen now, but that logic doesn’t help. Not in this one matter, not when the consequences had always been so severe.] There are moments, where I can meditate in peace but they’re always interrupted by sexual images and thoughts. Noise.
[He releases the hand then, and his eyes are enough to give Naruto confirmation to his assessment. But despite that understanding, he’s still watching, closely, carefully. He knew what kind of man he had been, how violent his thoughts had been, how much he craved to watch someone bleed-and he had pushed all of that away, tried to blame it on Shukaku’s influence. And maybe he had been the catalyst, but it was all Gaara now.
And with those words he feels a weight lift off his shoulders. Good. The word rolls around in his head. These urges are acceptable then…it doesn’t make him the demon he always believed he was. He doubts Naruto understands just how much of a relief this acceptance is. And he doesn’t have the words to thank him.
But his body seems to have an idea, and he’s leaning forward, lips press against Naruto’s. Thank you. For accepting me. For offering. For being here.
Help? [The word is soft, still against lips.] I could show you.
[action]
Those dark circles, they're a prominent feature on his friend's face, as much as the marks on Naruto's own cheeks are and he's always wondered about them. To hear they're from lack of sleep-- Naruto sucks in a quiet breath, his own eyes narrowing, somewhere between shocked and concerned. To survive like that for years, how did Gaara ever keep sane? No, he didn't in some ways, not to start with but he still managed to become Kazekage, still managed to hold himself together.
It's mindboggling and Naruto's fingers ghost over those dark marks as his brows pull down into a frown. There are facets he can understand, like the danger of being taken over, but they still don't measure to what Gaara must have had to go through. Why didn't anyone fix his seal? Why didn't anyone help him? Someone should have helped him. ] I didn't know. To have to live like that with no one helping you...
[ It must have been a living nightmare. Naruto stomps on the tiny ball of anger with a small shake of his head. Not at Gaara but at everyone who ever thought to shove a bijuu inside a Jinchuuriki and then leave them to simply deal with it on their own. ] Shukaku's gone but I think I get it. Maa, I'd be worried too. [ Maybe worried is the wrong word. Paranoid fits better, but he would be. Just because Shukaku is gone doesn't mean the habit is easy to break or that the fear magically disappears. And now Ariel has thrown another wrench in the works. Sexual images. Noise. ] But you can work at it. You know that, right? Take it one step at a time. Let me help you and we'll figure something out. [ Something that allows Gaara snatches of sleep.
And though Gaara has released his hand, Naruto doesn't drop it just yet. The impulse is here, to touch, because he's never really done that before. Never been prompted or really allowed with Gaara, not like this at least. So it seems okay to turn his hand over, drag his knuckles over Gaara's cheek for a few breaths because he means what he says. Gaara's bloodlust isn't bad, and it doesn't frighten Naruto. They're shinobi. They're Jinchuuriki, they're not quite the same are others. It's okay.
They can control this.
And when Gaara leans in, that's okay too, somehow. Though it wouldn't have been just a few short months ago. But Ariel has flipped everything on its head in any case and Gaara is his friend and kind of like a rock, he'll always have Naruto's back and Naruto will help him however he can in return so this... strange as it is, this is okay. Still new. Still a little awkward but Naruto huffs out a breath against Gaara's mouth, allows his hand to drift up, ruffle through that shock of red hair in understanding. You're welcome. ] I'd be okay with that. [ With a smile that can probably be heard more than seen. Maybe okay isn't the right word either. Naruto licks his lips and then brushes them against Gaara's in return, gentle and a little bold. ] No. Truth is, I'd like that.
[ There's a difference between one and the other. And he's not lying. He's pretty sure he'd enjoy it. ] Show me then. Sometime. Whenever you wanna.
[action]
He’s not surprised when Naruto tells him he doesn’t know the physical effects the Ichibi had on a host body. But what does surprise him is the frown he can hear in those words even with his eyes closed. There was a time where he thought the same thing. Why is it only me? Why me? Where he was angry at the village that turned against him after making him this way, but with most of his childhood, he can look back on it now with a calmness. The past was cruel, to all of them, but that’s what they’re working to fix. There will be no need for such weapons, no need to tip the power in direction of one nation over another. There won’t be anyone that has to suffer the way they had. The way the others had, being picked off by Akatsuki and so lonely, so abandoned, that even his pleas as Kazekage to the other nations to protect those that remained had been blatantly ignored.
Never again.
But he doesn’t speak any of that. It too is in the past now. And more so, he doesn’t want to break this spell that has Naruto’s hand roaming over his face. He listens though, to Naruto’s understanding words, to his genuine want and offer to help him overcome this particular habit. And when it comes from Naruto, its easier to believe they can actually make it happen.
But then Naruto’s good at that.
There’s not even any fear when lips meet Naruto’s, not this time, because there’s words behind them that he can’t speak, his only silent way to really convey his message. And if the hand rolling through hair that makes nerves spark to life is any indication, it’s a sentiment returned.
Its those words though, it’s the kiss that comes between them, that truly surprises him. Show him. And unbidden, he can imagine Naruto’s body laid out on his bed, naked and nicked, glistening with red. And he lets out a soft exhale and nods. Yes.]
I'd like that. [And while it wasn't exactly spoken, there was a questioning glance in his eyes, when. The urge was calm now, but the conversation, the touches, the image...and the reminder of why Naruto had come over in the first place-emotions he was quite sure the man was still keeping bottled up, he wondered if it was something Naruto could appreciate in this moment too.]
[action]
Naruto doesn't dwell on the thought. Not for longer than a few heartbeats at least; this isn't about that. It can't be, not when they're talking of past pain and injustices both of them somehow manage to skirt around. And he wonders if Gaara isn't angry because he doesn't look angry. Granted, his eyes are closed and Naruto is still touching him so maybe he's distracted--
Naruto is still angry. Sometimes. Naruto refuses to let go of his anger completely, he lets it fuel him. He won't forget and that's why he wants things to change. But at least these days his anger has been honed to something finer and sharper. It's less wild. It has a purpose.
Gaara doesn't say yes to the prospect of being helped, but he doesn't say no either, so Naruto takes it as a silent permission. He wonders if Gaara will mind him asking Sakura. She's the medic in their group, she'll no doubt know far more than him. Maybe she can offer insight that he and Gaara don't have. It can't hurt, surely. Naruto almost opens his mouth to say that but finds the words thwarted by Gaara's mouth and this is okay too.
Words can wait a moment. This is new, different, a facet to their relationship that wasn't there before Ariel (and how will any of them go back to being as they were after this place?) and Naruto doesn't dislike it. Being close to someone important to him stands separate from the chip. ] You'd like that, huh. [ He echoes it without thinking, tasting the concept really, because he didn't exactly see that coming. In the pause that follows he studies Gaara a little more closely. They'd both like that.
They might have some similar issues. In how they handle things. In their preferences. This had never occurred to Naruto before. It occurs to him now. And Gaara studies him in return. He manages to read the question on the young man's face, or at least he thinks it's a question. There's something almost expectant there, as though Gaara is waiting on Naruto.
His hand sneaks around and he raises it to trace the scar on Gaara's brow, careful and slow. That's what it is, a scar. Naruto had thought it to be a tattoo, once, but the raised edges are a cut, an old cut, inked with something. Something red. 'Ai' it reads. Love. Gaara told him about love once. Naruto knows his views have changed now; he no longer fights for himself. ] I don't scar. [-- is what he says then, apropos nothing but it is in fact, something he's never told anyone. As a Jinchuuriki there are certain things they all have in common. ] It pissed me off for a long time. I could fight someone but no matter what happened it was like I'd never been there. Even for my worst fights. [ He had no marks to show for them. Denied that evidence, that verification. ]
I want you to give me one. [ Somehow. Something he can keep. Something that stays. And look at him, making demands when he hasn't even asked what Gaara might want. He ducks his face briefly, with a quiet cough. ] And I'll... what you want, I can give you that too.
[action]
Its from stoic practice that he doesn’t wince at himself or turn away from those searching eyes. But even practice can’t stop his eyes from widening as the scar on his forehead is touched, traced. And he can hardly breath as he tries to read the purpose of that gesture on Naruto’s face, as he wonders what he’s thinking, what prompted this sudden curiosity. He can remember his own words to Naruto when they first met, a philosophy etched into his forehead. A constant reminder on his forehead, just as it’s a constant reminder every time he hears his name, Gaara- a demon that loves only himself.
But that strange bit of information cuts through the silence, through Gaara’s own thoughts, and his green gaze settles on the marks on Naruto’s cheeks. Don’t scar. There’s an understanding there, its not quite the same, but he knows that frustration. So many battles he’s walked out of without a single scratch, no physical proof he had just proven his existence again except the added blood in his sand.] I can’t remember how many times I attempted to cut myself, how disappointed I was each time the sand stopped my blade. A pain I wanted to learn. [Because he was so tired of the pain in his heart.
It only seems right to share, and maybe sometime he’ll share the reason behind that tattoo carved into his head by a consuming pain and sand. Because those words have settled that conflict inside of him. He won’t be hurting Naruto. That’s not what this is about. He’s been given an opportunity, to help Naruto with something he wants, to make a mark that Naruto can look down at and remember-possibly something to remember him. And when he thinks of the fate that may greet him should he ever find his way back, to leave a physical impression seems just that much more important.
He appreciates the offer, but why would he ask for something else when what Naruot wants, what he’s asking from him is already something he’s eager to do, something he wants to do. And he reaches out, slides his hand under a ducked chin and lifts it, gives his friend a brief smile and a nod.] I’d like to be the one to give you a reminder.
[action]
Or maybe Naruto just finds himself speaking because Gaara still looks surprised to be touched. In the face of his wide, green eyes, there's a kind of safety that Naruto just isn't accustomed to.
And Gaara gets it.
It takes less than a second for that understanding to sink in and Naruto's fingers are still lingering on that scar as Gaara's mouth moves. No, their experiences aren't exactly the same, they couldn't be but there are enough parallels that Naruto feels something tighten in his chest, maybe relief, maybe sorrow, he doesn't know. ] It would'a been something. Something real. Something to tell you that you were real. [ Pain. A scar. A way of measuring your own existence. A way of confirming it and telling yourself that you're not just a shadow or a ghost people pass on by.
There's something tragic about a child trying to cut himself simply to understand what it means to feel pain.
Naruto knows that. Possibly that's why his chest aches, then. He wants so badly to say I'm sorry. There was nothing he could have done, he was a child himself but still, he's sorry. It's just a little screwed up that Gaara might still want that but then again it's a little screwed up that Naruto might want to keep a scar or two as well, so it balances out and they're both okay, they'll muddle through this. Naruto refuses to believe otherwise for all that he feels a little selfish laying out his demands here.
Gaara doesn't seem to mind. Naruto's shock barely has time to manifest, really. What he sees are the smile, the nod, the acquiescence and though he reaches down to take Gaara's hand and bring it to his lips, that old stubborn streak remains. ] I can help you learn pain. [ Gently. Like a promise. There are levels. A good shinobi knows them, knows how to push, knows what buttons to press, where to cut and hold and bend. Naruto could do that. He knows he wouldn't be doing it to injure Gaara or to cause him harm, he knows it and he accepts it and he would only proceed with Gaara's permission. ]
But thanks. For. Mn. For saying yes and for not thinking I'm some crazy weirdo. [ He pauses for a moment. ] When would you wanna do this?
[action] wow, just saw my fail html up there, sorry about that
But he shakes his head all the same, words unspoken, he can still hear it, knows. Because he feels it too, he feels sorry for the child version of himself, for Naruto-more so now that he’s had a conversation with Kushina, knows what happened in those first moments of Naruto’s life, and if there isn’t something shared there too. And for the others. Its why they can’t let it happen again. Nobody should have to share these feelings. And that’s the best way to handle this pain they can feel for eachother, isn’t it? To make sure no one else ever has to feel it.
And if they’re screwed up, they’re allowed that too, at least a little bit, right? They’ve adjusted, they’ve forgiven. They’re not alone anymore. These moments of self-indulgence…moments he had never allowed himself back home because his tasks were never done, because his goal hadn’t been achieved yet…they’re okay. Its why he nods at Naruto’s offer, why he’s eager to accept it.
And its with an amused green gaze that he greets that gratitude.] That would be calling the kettle black, hm? [A joke, possibly, a small one. He’s capable of those now and then, even if the full smile hasn’t come to him yet, if laughter still escapes him. Baby steps.] As soon as you would like to.
[action] shh, you're totally okay. no need to apologize!
Not a monster.
[ He doesn't talk about it too much either. Oh, he's aired his story in bits and pieces to people now and then, but he never digs too deeply, he just finds a common thread because that's safer. Like the times he wondered about his parents and considered that maybe he never had any at all, maybe he just appeared one day and that was why parents avoided him. He was something different. He's somber, watching Gaara closely. ] We're not monsters. We never were. Not you, not me. No matter what anyone said. [ It's quiet and it's fierce. He hopes Gaara knows that of himself. That he is not and was never what they might have painted him to be. Gaara did the best he could with what he had. He suffered hell and still managed to climb out of that hole.
Naruto goes back to combing his fingers through that red hair, brows a little pinched. So what if they're a little screwed up in some ways. They're okay. They're doing okay and Gaara isn't dead even if he might believe it's a real possibility. They're okay and they'll go home and fix things and go back to being just a little screwed up there and-- ]
Haa. [ He has to smile at that, lopsided, a little quirky. ] You just made a joke. [ Not that he ever doubted it. But it's good to see that progression, hell knows Gaara has the smarts for it. ] You're not a crazy weirdo and neither am I, huh. [ Naruto nods slowly, in approval. ] Yeah, I like that.
[ He isn't so certain about the last part. As soon as he wants to. After a beat, Naruto glances around Gaara's room, toward the bed. Everything is neat, minimal, tidy of course and he thinks of getting blood on those sheets and doesn't want to ruin Gaara's room like that. And he considers Neji and Gaara and his mother and how people here often don't stay here and how some are or may be dead and--
Thinks of missed chances. It's not why he came here but. ]
How about now?
[action] <3
That's not quite true. [He answers softly, because this is one thing they differ on that Gaara is rather pleased with. Even now, he wonders if Naruto's ever taken a life, and even if he has, he can't come close to the amount of blood on Gaara's hands. No, he was a monster inside and out. Whether he could blame it all on his environment, on the things that happened to him, it doesn't change what he's done, what he used to believe. And its so much more evident now, with their similarities, and the fact that Naruto never fell down that same path, was even capable of headbutting Gaara off of it.] But that's alright.
[He knows he's not one now. And that's all that matters, all that can matter right now. And even now, as he looks back on his past, he sees that broken child, he sees that grasp for existence, and maybe his choice had been wrong, but it had given him a reason to live, and for that he can't be sorry. But mostly, when he looks back on his past, he sees Naruto. Because that's the moment it all changed.
And with this knowledge about himself, Naruto's here too. He's accepting, and willing, and wanting. And he's not a monster anymore.
There's a twitch of lips as Naruto rolls his hands through his hair, as he laughs at his joke, as it seems to dispel some bit of nerves.]
Now. [There's a slow nod, a glance around the room. Yes, now sounds good to him. It'll be as easy as tossing the bedspread on the ground. Sheets can be replaced. Maybe they'll just be washed. Blood is nothing new to him, its almost something familiar, a scent every time he uses the sand in his gourd.]
Do you have a blade you'd like to use? [Because Naruto's a ninja, the one that supplied Gaara with weapons on first arrival, and he's sure he has something strapped to his body. If not, Gaara has no problem using one of his own.]
[action]
No. Gaara is not and was never a monster, not to Naruto, not in the true sense of the word. Gaara was just a screwed up kid who tried to carve out his own existence. He wasn't right, he wasn't okay. He was deeply damaged and he wasn't a monster. ] It's not alright. [ Just a mutter, a little mulish to be sure, but beyond that Naruto doesn't push. He doesn't want to get into an argument. It's just distressing to consider that Gaara really did think he was a monster.
So he eases off on the topic. There's another to consider in any case. A little unexpected. He certainly didn't visit for this purpose. He didn't see the conversation turning out this way either, but he's finding that conversations with Gaara rarely have a predictable outcome. And when the Kazekage agrees, Naruto can't hide the brief look of surprise.
Now.
Just like that.
I'll get blood on your floor, he almost says, but maybe Gaara doesn't mind. It must have occurred to him. ] Yeah. [ Even on this visit, he's armed. Ariel's taught him to never leave his apartment without a kunai and Naruto reaches around and pulls one out from where it's been strapped to his lower back. He handles it easily, turning the blade in his palm and offering the grip to Gaara with no hesitation. Then he steals another glance toward the bed and-- ] Gonna get blood on your stuff. [ Because it bears saying in case Gaara does care about stains. ]